The Storm

I was on a small vessel sailing on the waters of my life.  I wish I could tell you it was smooth sailing but I was being tossed to and fro and carried by winds great and small.  Though the winds were howling and sometimes frightening and the seas tempestuous I stayed in that vessel hoping to one day find calm. 

Not only was there no calm to be found but the vessel began to take on water.  The devil had my ear, if not my life, and I had his.  Together we commiserated in my misery.  The water inside the vessel began to rise quickly.  I wanted to escape but I was still within earshot of the father of lies.  My life raft, called false sense of security, detached in the fracas while I was caught unawares.  The air in the vessel had become increasingly oppressive and I found it difficult to breathe.

I didn’t want to die in that vessel respiring stagnant air and opted instead to face the violent winds and colossal waves.  Bows under I merely stepped into the sea thinking I would drown but hoping a passing ship would somehow rescue me.  Under water the lies became muffled, distorted and utterly incoherent. 

Much to my surprise I wasn’t drowning.  Instead of a sense of panic there was peace.  I was overcome with it and though my mind could not comprehend what was happening, my heart and spirit were overtaken by a comforting flow. There was this phenomenon of life giving water flowing through me and yet pouring into me. I wasn’t sinking in the sea, rather, I was beginning to rise. 

There was a Voice clearly speaking to me and as I responded affirmatively to the Voice I rose up even further.  The more I listened and responded the higher up I rose until I broke through the surface.   There was no passing ship waiting for me but a mighty God in the person of Jesus standing upon the now stilled waters.  The no longer rebellious winds were transformed into a refreshing Holy Spirit wind.  Jesus was bidding me to come. 

And there we were– Jesus and I standing on the water.  Only He dared to walk upon the stormy waters of my life to save me from the darkness of lies.  He alone dared to save me from myself.  Many times I had tried to calm the storm on my own thinking Jesus would never accept me as I was; people didn’t.  Not only did He accept me but He did so while I was in the midst of my storm.  He showed up when no one else would or could and called me His. (Romans 8:30, Acts 17:28-29)  I answered His call and He stilled the tempest. 

He still calls out to me and speaks to me.  His voice is the balm that soothes rejection and casts out fear. (Matthew 10:31)  I am not burdensome to Him.  In fact, He took my burdens. (Matthew 11:28)  I couldn’t bear my life alone.  Confessing my sins and accepting Him as Lord of my life and Savior I don’t have to. 

Because of Him I am set free to share the Gospel of the Good News, the kingdom of heaven is here now, present and to come.   It is accessible to all who seek Him with repentant hearts.  Surely broken hearts have a place in Him where there is healing, power, and rest.

Those Ancient Israelites and I

I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve read, heard, or talked about the ancient Israelites being delivered from Egypt and all of the amazing miracles God performed on their behalf. They who, miracle after miracle, proceeded to turn their backs on God time after time with their murmurings and carnal desires.  What idiots, right?  He was a pillar of a cloud with them in the daytime and a pillar of fire with them at night and still they murmured.  When they complained of hunger they wanted to return to the bondage of Egypt but God, hearing their cries, gave to them freely the food of angels, manna. (Exodus 16:4, Psalm 78:24-25)

Their most boisterous complaint, in my opinion, was demonstrated when they tired of waiting on God and built a golden ram to worship.  Yes, they’re still idiots.  The nerve of a chosen people getting tired of waiting on God!  I thought to myself what foolishness!  How can they do such things when God was visible to them? They could hear His voice as an exceeding loud trumpet for goodness’ sake! (Exodus 19:16) Still they rebelled.  Did I say the word idiots? Yes, twice already.  So you’re getting the picture of how they behaved in general and their attitude specifically, stiff-necked is what they were called back then. 

One sunny and beautiful Southern California day I found myself to be wallowing in the pit of misery that was me and, oh, so very woeful.  I was thinking about the state of my affairs and wondering why I wasn’t by now living the victorious life as a matter of habit rather than wishful thinking.  I was regretting that I was no longer working at that job where, surely the manager hated me, but it was the means for me to better take care of myself and my family.  Working there I wasn’t so… dependent.  I was surviving but barely really.  I was definitely miserable but I wasn’t whatever this is.  I kept crying out to God and endeavored to know Him in a deeper more personal way because what I was doing obviously was not working.  In many ways my life, indeed, was failing but I dared not settle for failure.  Not as a child of the most-high God! What would my family and friends think, right?   Some kind of Christian you are comes to mind.  I determined to scrap everything I was presently doing to start over and earnestly pursue God differently and also my purpose differently.  I was still miserable and in the pits but still in pursuit.     

Somewhere in the middle of my utterly gut-wrenching, heartbreaking me-ness reverie that included violins and harps, I heard Holy Spirit say, “About those Israelites…” I could swear there was a mirror right in front of my face, too, when He said it.  There was.  It was the Psalm 78 mirror.  I read, rather, saw that I was no different than they were.  In Psalm 78 you can read about what God did for the Israelites, how they responded to His works, and God’s reaction to their response.  I saw myself there in the text rebellious and murmuring.  Did I hear you say idiot?  Yes, that was I. Busted in all of my Pharisaical shame.  I was so wrapped up into myself I was squeezing God out of my life much as I’d like to think I was holding on to Him.  Surely He was working miracles in my life and I was experiencing His profound mercy and blessings but I could not see my way out of the pits. You know? The fact that He was still communicating with me was miraculous the way I see it. 

Physically I was out there but in my mind I had withdrawn. I was just going through the motions.  I was drowning in despair but couldn’t think of anyone to turn to but God.  Hey, I feel defeated is not the usual conversation starter but it’s one I’m sure more people wish would be.  To be honest it was a homework assignment that led me to read Psalm 78.  That’s what helped me snap out of it.  Well, that and crying out to God for mercy.  The timing of that assignment, I know, was God’s response to me constantly calling out to Him from my misery pit.  I didn’t feel comfortable with the thought of being a burden to anyone, who, like me was bearing their own.  Mind you there is scriptural justification towards bearing one another’s burdens, Galatians 6:2.  It’s something believers should do more of.  I believe this season specifically was part of my maturation process.   It is a solo flight, if you will.  How to trust God for yourself is an ongoing lesson and one I needed a refresher course in.

As I read the Psalm 78 text I felt such shame that I could so easily be like the ancient Israelites by murmuring so.  I was sick of myself but could not stop it.  Yes, parts of my life were failing but murmuring, which is really not trusting God, was opening the door to other types of failure mentality: fear, doubt, insecurity, anxiety, depression, hopelessness, and paranoia.  I didn’t build a golden calf but I had me.  My ego was my idol and to worship it all I had to do was murmur, complain and wallow in self-pity.  Unlike the Israelites, though, I was spared His wrath.  That little episode of facing the mirror led me to repentance.  Don’t take lightly the gift of repentance.     2Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.  The land, my life, was in desperate need of healing. 

It’s one thing to know the scriptures and, to tell you the truth if you’re not careful they can become like Christianese or the believer’s version of being politically correct.  Quite another thing is becoming the scriptures by your actions.  I was weighed and found wanting.  (Daniel 5:27)  Truly that’s what it’s all about.  We all live the scriptures whether we are believers or not.   Somewhere in the text there is a verse holding up a mirror to your face.  That is if you are honest with yourself.  If you are honest you will judge yourself. Incidentally I’ve been having planks removed from my eyes.  Holy Spirit makes for an excellent ophthalmologic surgeon; trust and believe He is. I mean, He’ll even let you hold onto the mirror and watch while He works.  

I had a choice to make.  I could either be the bad end of a parable or I could be a disciple.  I am choosing discipleship.  In so doing, I choose to believe the Spirit of God dwells in me.  In me there is a pillar of a cloud in the daytime and in the darkness He is a pillar of fire within me.  I choose to believe that He will never leave or forsake me; He is with me always (Matthew 28:20) I choose to act like I believe it in my ways but especially the ways of my thoughts.  I choose to do as He has commanded all believers to do. (Matthew 28:19-20)  Blessed are they that do his commandments that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. (Revelation 22:14)  I also choose not to be an idiot by numbering my imperfections, failures, but rather choose knowing I am perfected in Christ.  So, yes, that misery pit that I dug myself into, even that pit in my spirit, they have been sufficiently filled with Christ.  (John 16:33, I John 4:4)

And he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2Corinthians 12:9

 

 

In Search of Healing: What Ails You?

What Ails You? Part One: The Church

It is an under reported matter, where health is concerned, that your spiritual condition can have a physical manifestation.

Matthew 9:20-21 And behold, a woman, which was diseased with an issue of blood twelve years, came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment. For she said within herself, If I may but touch His garment, I shall be whole. Twelve, the number of divine government; governmental perfection, foundation  (The Biblical Significance of Numbers- Raymond L. Dorrough-not to be read aloud) And Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about in the press, and said who touched my clothes? What has His church become?

How we live our daily lives may impress people, but it’s our spiritual lives that makes an impression upon Jesus. Chronic conditions cry out for virtue and most assuredly the garment of praise. The church is bleeding. It is time for it to say within itself, “If I may but touch His garment” and be restored to the virtuous bride Jesus longs to marry.

What Ails You?  Part Two: The Believer

It is an under reported matter, where health is concerned, that your spiritual condition can have a physical manifestation.

Matthew 17:15 Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatic, and sore vexed; for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water.  Believers, how often is it that we play with the devil and when we get burned run to the living water that is Jesus?  Your healing is in the steadfast decision you make to rebuke the devil in your life and choose Jesus.  Stay on path; stay on task, being ever mindful that Christ’s own disciples cannot cure your indecision. Let your yes to Jesus be yes and receive His healing. Amen.

What Ails You? Part Three: The World

It is an under reported matter, where health is concerned, that your spiritual condition can have a physical manifestation.

John 9:1-6 And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did this sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?  Jesus answered, Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him.  Indeed, the works, of Jesus must be made manifest in this world.  Verse 4, I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work. Verse 6, When he had thus spoken, he spat on the ground, and made clay of the spittle, and he anointed the eyes of the blind man with the clay.

In Hebrew to spit, yaraq (yaw-rak’) is a token of contempt. But God so loved the world instead of continuing to show it contempt His Son mixed the contempt with the dust of the ground He created man from and made clay.  Job said, “Remember, I beseech thee, that thou hast made me as the clay; and wilt thou bring me into dust again?” Not so; He came to heal the world! Healing the world at large will come when the church fully renews its mindset by preaching and teaching what Jesus taught. Verse 5, As long as I am in the world, I am the light of the world. This is Revival, just as the Pentecost- Praising God, and having favour with all the people. And the Lord added to the church daily such as should be saved. (Acts 2:47) Let the curse of original sin, being blind to who God is, His character and nature be forever broken from this day forward.  The veil has been removed and we seek you, Lord, with the healing of restored vision. Amen!

Black Friday

Dead bones and broken teeth

gnawing through the darkness.

The world trades on empty promises

as do the kings. Collecting souls

with interest. Lo, a blessing for a dollar!

Charging up the devil’s prime rate;

hiding from his due.

Away in a manger; no place for saints,

Wizened serpents crush the breastbones

Of harmless doves clipping their wings

Before flight– or fight.

The wolves are hungry and the sheep sway

Hanging on every word chewing curdled milk

As meat; the substance is chaff.

Oh, the bread we break and water down

With new wine leaving sheep to thirst

All the more while being led away

From heaven’s peace and shore.

The elect sign on as passengers

And steadfastly pay their fare.

Predestinated and calling out

“Lord, Lord!” but remaining

yet unknown.

Thieves stole their ticket

singing a good word but not the Gospel.

Raise up! Tap your feet; clap your hands

In the presence of… me!

The ship is sinking, rather,

crashing on the Rock.

Who will be spared alive?

And I heard Moses ask, “Who is on

The Lord’s side? Let him come unto me.

Jesus asks the same.

And you shall know the truth and the

Truth shall make you free.

And God said, let there be light:

And there was light.

 

© Brenda Howard 2015

Whom Do The People Say That I Am?

About three years ago I went to a prophetic conference a local church was hosting in Rancho Cucamonga, Ca.  I remember studying the speaker bios in the notebook I was given.  While doing so it was dropped in my spirit that I should write up my own bio.  I didn’t know what for as I hadn’t planned on any speaking engagements any time soon.  Still, I was excited with the possibility that the Lord would one day open the door for me to do such a thing.  I reflected on the times long past when I thought I would be a motivational speaker.  Then I was more involved in worldly ways and things than I was with kingdom things and the ways of God.  In essence I had nothing to say.  At any rate if I had decided to come up with something to say it wouldn’t have been very godly.

 When I was considering writing my bio I was barely getting acquainted with God and myself, for that matter– who I was in Him.  I sat in the park across the street from the church and began to write.  It all sounded like foolishness, I mean, who did I think I was and what did that have to do with anyone that might read about it? I was beginning to understand who I was but it all seemed like minutia and the sum total of it all amounted to what, nothing?  I had a world’s resume of working in the medical field and a spiritual resume of being a sinner, a really good one at that, but I wasn’t excited to tell anyone about it. As I wrote I kept asking, “So?”  That was a few years ago and if I wrote my bio today I’d still approach it in the same way. 

I still like to read people’s bios and imagine what God had has brought them through even if the Bio doesn’t specifically state it.  Some of them, to me, declare ‘Look what I achieved!”  and the question, “So?” comes to mind and I have to fight through it checking my own arrogance.  If Jesus had a Bio, what would it read?

Jesus the Christ:  God’s only begotten Son, Son of man, Second Adam, Lion of Judah, Prince of Peace, King of the Jews, The Way, The Truth, The Life; I used spit and clay to restore a blind man’s sight, I first taught in the synagogue at age twelve and totally blew everyone away, I can pray until I sweat blood, I have confounded many scribes and Pharisees with my authoritative  teaching, I have mastered the parable, I can walk on water, I can sleep through a storm  then wake up, speak to the winds and calm the seas; I can ask a man to follow me and he will, I can tell a man where the good fishing is– enough to break his nets, I can feed a multitude with two fish and five loaves.  Oh, yes, I almost forgot!  Someone can touch the hem of my garment and be healed from an issue of blood, and then there’s this cool thing I did when, in the wilderness, I fasted for forty days and nights and resisted the temptations of the devil.  I know the thoughts of men, which are pretty much evil continually, but then there is like Nathanael who had no guile in him and he knew who I was; but that’s neither here nor there…

He may simply write, the Son can do nothing of himself, but what he sees the Father do or the same works that I do, bear witness of me, that the Father has sent me.  So much for advanced degrees and boast worthy achievements, if they do not witness that the Father sent you then, SO? Flesh and blood, or perhaps a conferred degree and fancy ink, has not revealed to you (who I am) but my Father which is in heaven.  We should spend less time on what we write about ourselves and more about what the Father is writing about us. Who we are is not defined by our works and busy-ness great as they may be.  Are we the epistles God has written us to be? How necessary is it to use worldly achievement to justify what we are going to preach or teach within the confines of a church or in the kingdom at large?

The apostle, Paul, was a learned man yet he said in 1 Corinthians 2:1-2  And, I brethren, when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of God.  For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and Him crucified.  He goes on to say  in verses 3-4 “And I was with you in weakness, (generally,  Bios speak to our strength) and in fear, and in much trembling (not the polish of an accomplished speaker is it?) and my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man’s wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power.  In verse 6 he says, “Howbeit we speak wisdom among them that are perfect: yet not the wisdom of this world (which a Bio done well represents) nor of the princes of this world, which came to nought.

 But when things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.  Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ. (Philippians 4:7-8) Ah! There’s my ‘So?” It’s all dung.  That “So?” was my own righteousness and the law of the world saying I needed a degree to do this or that.  Yes, to work in the medical field as a Radiologic Technologist I certainly did need to take certain classes and obtain certification, experience, etc.  None of it has anything to do with preaching, teaching, and spreading the gospel as God would have me do it. Let’s be real. My worldly credentials are but dung in the kingdom.  My credentialing, if you will, is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith… the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death and the POWER of His resurrection.(Philippians 3:9-10)  It is Jesus! My Bio, should I decide to start writing one again will not ask “So?’ but declare JESUS! Amen.

Issues and the Flow of Things

Really it all starts with a seed.  In this case the seed was a beautiful, well- thought out commercial for a church conference.  The promised speakers were three powerful men and two virtuous women.  There were POWERFUL MEN and virtuous women?  I couldn’t pinpoint why the terminology nagged at me but it did for a period of time.  Was there a dormant feminist within me that had suddenly awakened to cry out, “Are not these women of God as powerful as their male counterparts?  Must the church acknowledge women in the same manner as the world– the need for them to be Puritanical and dainty because to declare them powerful would stir up negative connotations?”  Ah, virtuous women thou art acceptable to be heard!  No. That wasn’t it.  I quietly tucked away that word virtuous along with a host of other nuggets for their purpose to be determined at another time. 

A few weeks passed by and yesterday, while driving to a worship conference, I decided to be a step ahead and worship as I drove.  Holy Spirit broke in to my singing reverie with a vision of Jesus turning about and asking, “who touched me?’  Said I to myself, ‘Oh, yeah, VIRTUE, went out from Him.”(Hint; in case you missed it Jesus was a virtuous man)  Luke 8:43-44 And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, came behind Him, and touched the border of His garment and immediately her issue of blood stanched.

Issue of blood… I thought if, while chopping vegetables, I accidently cut my finger and it began to bleed profusely, my issue wouldn’t be of blood, per se, but an issue of the cut.  Jesus said, somebody has touched me: for I perceive that virtue has gone out of me. (Luke 8:46) I’m thinking this woman’s spiritual life had a physical manifestation.  It’s not an unheard of concept.  After all, Jesus was in such an emotional turmoil over His pending separation from the Father that He began to sweat blood as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane.  A Dictionary of the Bible Comprising its Antiquity, Biography, Geography and Natural History (1897) Edited by William Smith says this about bloody sweat:  One of the physical phenomena attending our Lord’s agony in the Garden of Gethsemane is described by St. Luke xxii.44 “His sweat was as it were great drops (lit. clots) of blood falling down to the ground… of this malady, known in medical science as diapedesis, there have been examples recorded both in ancient and modern times.  Aristotle was aware of it.  The cause assigned is generally violent mental emotion.  Issue of blood as defined in the same book- the menstruous discharge or the fluxu uteri (Lev. 15:19-30, Matt 9:20, Mark 5:25, Luke 8:43) the latter caused a permanent legal uncleanness, the former a temporary one, mostly for seven days; after which was to be purified by their customary offering. 

Now then, what is virtue?  Webster’s 1913 Dictionary defines it as 1. Manly strength or courage, bravery, daring, spirit, valor. (Yes, I was surprised) 2. Active quality or power; capacity or power adequate to the production of a given effect; energy, strength, potency efficacy as the virtue of a medicine.  Incidentally it is under this description where it states “Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about. Mark v.30 (Jesus is medicine!) Let’s skip to 4. Excellence; value; merit; meritoriousness; worth 5. Specifically, moral excellence; integrity of character; purity of soul; performance of duty.  (I hear You, Holy Spirit!) Skip to 7. Specifically: chastity; purity, especially, the chastity of women (was her issue a means to deal with a lack of chastity and to separate her from unchaste activity?)  OK, the next definition surprised me: 8. one of the orders of celestial hierarchy, thrones, dominations, princedoms, virtues, powers.  Say what now, celestial hierarchy? Does this bring Ephesians 6:12 to mind or is it just me?  Oh, that word again but this time in the midst of celestial hierarchy.  My God, my God!

And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9a) The woman that touched the border of Jesus’ garment had a weakness in virtue.  The power of Christ perceived gone out from Him, the grace gone out from Him, was virtue and His strength was such that stanched her physical and spiritual condition.  His strength, virtue, was made perfect in her weakness, lack of virtue.  If I were to equate these findings with today’s believer, one who lacked virtue is one that lacks boldness (Ephesians3:12, 6:19-20; Hebrews 13:6), does not operate in power (Luke 10:19, Romans 1:16), doesn’t not move in the spirit of excellence (1 Corinthians 12:31), or moral excellence (Ephesians 2),  neither does such a one exercise authority over celestial hierarchy (Ephesians 6:10-17) and could likely be dealing with issues of chastity or carnality.

As an aside we should be wary of who is around us.  It is possible to keep company with certain persons and not perceive that virtue goes out from you when you do.  We should, as virtuous people, perceive even in the midst of a crowd, when virtue goes out from us. 

Father God I praise You and bless Your holy name.  I thank you for the time we spend together and you download your love, ideas and revelation.  Thank You for Your Son, Jesus, whose strength is made perfect in our weakness.  Whatever our weakness is be it virtue, sickness, or indifference to Your word, by Your stripes we are healed and by your grace we are saved.  I thank you Holy Spirit that You can plant the seed of one word and allow time for it to grow and develop within me that I may seek you for clarity and insight.  As Jesus was a virtuous man I cannot help but aspire to his model of virtue that I may perceive when virtue goes out from me.  I pray that I and those who constantly seek You will be conduits through which your love, grace and healing flows.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.

 

Wandering Headlong and Entering The Wilderness (W.H.E.W!)

I have reason to believe that I am on the backside of a season of wandering in the wilderness, a spiritual wilderness, that is.  It wasn’t like some untraveled, pristine meadow where wildflowers sway unimpeded in warm, dry breezes waiting for someone to pick them by the armful and twirl around singing, “The hills are alive with the sound of music!”  No.  No freaking way.  This was God I’ve made my bed in hell are You really here with me wilderness.  This was well travelled wilderness on paths thankfully left behind, road-blocked and marked with signage that reads “Warning no Trespassing; Danger Ahead” and there are no warm breezes but hot, howling winds of turmoil and reflection.  How did I get there? Well, sometimes when I pray I ask the Lord to purify me and sanctify me.  I ask Him to cleanse me with hyssop and allow me to decrease and Himself to increase.  Yes, stuff like that.  I pray or converse, really, and pat myself on the back for praying up some humility and the killing of my flesh.  Atta girl!  Way to go saint!  That kind of business.   I’ve prayed that prayer, oh, I don’t know how many times. A few?  Then God answered. 

I suppose Holy Spirit said with a wink and a grin, “God, I’ll take this one. Ooh let me, please, take this one NOW!”  I was led into the wilderness and if you know the story of Jesus being led into the wilderness to be tempted of Satan, well, my story… Let’s just pray with the expectation that I passed the test and will not have to repeat any portion of the exam.  You know when you have those kinds of exams and when you fail a section you only have to repeat that section and not the entire exam?  In fact, I do not care to repeat any of it; pray with me that I will not need to.

How did I handle the being in the wilderness?  Like any typical mentally challenged person off their medication would- paranoia, depression, anxiety, insecurity, being offended, being prideful, being shameful, being self-righteous, withdrawing and my favorite, eating a lot of ice cream.  Oh, I prayed throughout make no mistake about it.  I didn’t forget my lessons in warfare.  Have you ever felt your prayers being hindered?  I swear I now know the sensation of a prayer hitting the ceiling.  There’s a hollow “thunk” sound that accompanies it; you know, that sound you hear when you determine if a watermelon is ripe; that one. 

My dreams and visions evaporated.  I all but stopped writing.  Let me repeat that one.  I all but stopped writing.  Writing, for me, is a key manifestation of my communication with the Lord.  I had TONS of ideas and none of them were inclined to make sense enough to be pecked out on a keyboard or scribbled on paper.  I wanted to quit; not living, although I questioned the point of living at all.  I wanted to quit, like, a lot of stuff.  Seemingly everything I did was for the benefit of someone else and it was taking a toll on my life in every way one can possibly think of. 

Back to the business of purging.  I was shown I have some serious trust issues.  I mean serious.  Also there was this spirit of rejection that persistently dogs me.  I can’t leave out his partners, spirit of death (family members were dying left and right and then left again), the spirit of fear, (yeah, I know God didn’t give me that but it didn’t stop it from showing up at my doorstep) the spirit of confusion and the heinous spirit of suicide.  The term Luciferian Doctrine was one I heard in a church service and that really shook things up a bit.  Then there was the Doctrine of the Nicolaitans hovering about and making me feel suffocated in church; by the church?  The thing is no one could help me; not really.  I couldn’t help but to fight anyone that tried.  This was my Jacob wrestling moment kind of-sort of.  I was wrestling everything and everyone- my demons, myself, and my God. 

There’s this strange thing about being in the wilderness it’s like being a functional illiterate- no one notices that you’re not reading anything, they just see you functioning. Challenged persons off their meds occasionally let things slip.  I couldn’t tell one day/ date from another.  Mind you I have always had a challenge with dates and time perception- everything is always two days or a week away.  Oh, is that procrastination?  Well, the fact that it occurred during this season was more of an annoyance than anything.  Anyway, people see you functioning, albeit slightly off-kilter, and they don’t know how to approach you.  By people I mean those that are spiritually inclined as per the Holy Spirit.  Worldly people, well, they deal with other spiritual inclinations.  In other words not them.  Let’s let them watch reality television for now.  No one could approach me because their first inclination would likely have been to pray for me and at that time I didn’t trust solicited prayer.  I didn’t want the spiritual prying from any person.  I was working out my own salvation, indeed, with fear and trembling.  This probably doesn’t read like that was what I was doing, but I was.  God was the only living being that I could trust.  I needed to know for myself that He was there in that hell of a wilderness with me.  I was reading the word, I was praying, I was learning of Him in church and Bible College and I was lost as, well… I was lost as hell.

I questioned everything.  For example I questioned whether or not the things I heard/learned proceeded from the mouth of God or the heart of man.  The non-denominational but not non-man doctrinal thingamajig was like a spiritual rash.  Remember the children’s game pin the tail on the donkey? If not, someone hands you a donkey’s tail, blindfolds you, spins you around and sends you on your dizzy, merry way to pin the tail on the poster of a disturbed looking donkey. In my wilderness version of the game God was the target and man was spinning me around with his version of the word of God and sending me off on my dizzy, (un)merry way to find God except I was the disturbed looking donkey and maybe the tail also.

I must say, though, despite the fact that my dreams and visions dried up my hearing opened up and there was depth to it.  I kept hearing “first love.” I was like “Yo God, you know I love you, stop playing and give me some sugar.”  No I didn’t but it sounded good for the moment as I was typing.  Keep it light right?  First love, first love.  First love God.  I made it a point to first love God and not concern myself with the ways of men.  As the Father began to reveal and purge those things in me He began to occupy more space within me.  He was having an Occupy Me Movement protesting against the things He hates that were trapped in the deepest recesses of my being. He pitched a tent in my spirit and had a grass roots sit in and dwell in.  I’d like to say it was non-violent but the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force.  My God fought for me and snatched me from the grip of despair. 

What I thought I had lost, my ability to write, was eventually restored.  The dreams and visions, too.  What I gained, though, was another means to outwardly worship the Lord in joining the Bible College’s Choir.  I had considered writing as my means of worship unto the Lord.  While it was being rested the Lord began to develop another means to worship Him.  I literally began to sing to Him a new song.  After one particular choir rehearsal I walked to my car, got in, sat there and wept I was so thankful to worship Him.  Have you ever had a pent-up worship? Perhaps I’m the only one weird like that.  The release is such that you don’t even care what happens next; God is worthy! 

I recently attended a prophetic conference and received a prophecy at some point during it.  Among the many things the prophet told me the most profound was the statement “You have been loyal.”  I thought it was an odd statement to make at the time and relegated it to the fact that during my wilderness season I was considering leaving the church I was a member of.  As I heard the words my first response to them was “Of course I have been!’  Another part of the problem was asking myself if it was misplaced loyalty.  Still I couldn’t shake the oddity of that particular statement.  While I was in the wilderness being attacked, tempted and purged I remained loyal to my Lord and Savior.  I did not ever consider turning my back on God.  Perhaps a handful of people but never once did I consider turning my back on God. 

After the conference ended and left me with more questions than answers, in my frustration I had planned not to attend the Sunday church service.  I, without reluctance, abandoned that plan and went anyway.  It was then the questions were answered that I really do hear from God despite what others may think of my hearing.  I received so many confirmations and answers- even to the question of why the Lord had led me to revisit one of the poems I had written perhaps four years ago titled “Time Machine.”  The guest speaker spoke of time in his sermon and Ecclesiastes 3, both of which are central to the poem.  More important than the answers and confirmation I got, I met the God who sees me, El Roi, that day.  I cannot tell you what that feels like.  I can only say that it involves a lot of thanksgiving, praise, worship, and yes, ugly face tears. 

Instead of reading Bible stories or hearing someone teach about it I went through the wilderness with God, Himself, by my side.  What better teacher is there than He?  If faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God then I got faith straight from the Big Man, the Author and Finisher of my faith!

Being in the wilderness for a protracted amount of time was duly rough but I would not trade that time of reflection,revealing, healing, spiritual growth and maturing, and relationship building with the triune God with anything any man can offer or preach.