I have reason to believe that I am on the backside of a
season of wandering in the wilderness, a spiritual wilderness, that is. It wasn’t like some untraveled, pristine
meadow where wildflowers sway unimpeded in warm, dry breezes waiting for
someone to pick them by the armful and twirl around singing, “The hills are
alive with the sound of music!” No. No freaking way. This was God I’ve made my bed in hell are You
really here with me wilderness. This was
well travelled wilderness on paths thankfully left behind, road-blocked and
marked with signage that reads “Warning no Trespassing; Danger Ahead” and there
are no warm breezes but hot, howling winds of turmoil and reflection. How did I get there? Well, sometimes when I pray
I ask the Lord to purify me and sanctify me.
I ask Him to cleanse me with hyssop and allow me to decrease and Himself
to increase. Yes, stuff like that. I pray or converse, really, and pat myself on
the back for praying up some humility and the killing of my flesh. Atta girl!
Way to go saint! That kind of
business. I’ve prayed that prayer, oh, I don’t know how
many times. A few? Then God
answered.
I suppose Holy Spirit said with a wink and a grin, “God, I’ll
take this one. Ooh let me, please, take this one NOW!” I was led into the wilderness and if you know
the story of Jesus being led into the wilderness to be tempted of Satan, well,
my story… Let’s just pray with the expectation that I passed the test and will
not have to repeat any portion of the exam.
You know when you have those kinds of exams and when you fail a section
you only have to repeat that section and not the entire exam? In fact, I do not care to repeat any of it;
pray with me that I will not need to.
How did I handle the being in the wilderness? Like any typical mentally challenged person
off their medication would- paranoia, depression, anxiety, insecurity, being
offended, being prideful, being shameful, being self-righteous, withdrawing and
my favorite, eating a lot of ice cream.
Oh, I prayed throughout make no mistake about it. I didn’t forget my lessons in warfare. Have you ever felt your prayers being
hindered? I swear I now know the
sensation of a prayer hitting the ceiling.
There’s a hollow “thunk” sound that accompanies it; you know, that sound
you hear when you determine if a watermelon is ripe; that one.
My dreams and visions evaporated. I all but stopped writing. Let me repeat that one. I all but stopped writing. Writing, for me, is a key manifestation of my
communication with the Lord. I had TONS
of ideas and none of them were inclined to make sense enough to be pecked out
on a keyboard or scribbled on paper. I
wanted to quit; not living, although I questioned the point of living at all. I wanted to quit, like, a lot of stuff. Seemingly everything I did was for the
benefit of someone else and it was taking a toll on my life in every way one
can possibly think of.
Back to the business of purging. I was shown I have some serious trust issues. I mean serious. Also there was this spirit of rejection that
persistently dogs me. I can’t leave out his
partners, spirit of death (family members were dying left and right and then
left again), the spirit of fear, (yeah, I know God didn’t give me that but it
didn’t stop it from showing up at my doorstep) the spirit of confusion and the
heinous spirit of suicide. The term
Luciferian Doctrine was one I heard in a church service and that really shook
things up a bit. Then there was the Doctrine
of the Nicolaitans hovering about and making me feel suffocated in church; by
the church? The thing is no one could
help me; not really. I couldn’t help but
to fight anyone that tried. This was my
Jacob wrestling moment kind of-sort of.
I was wrestling everything and everyone- my demons, myself, and my
God.
There’s this strange thing about being in the wilderness
it’s like being a functional illiterate- no one notices that you’re not reading
anything, they just see you functioning. Challenged persons off their meds occasionally
let things slip. I couldn’t tell one
day/ date from another. Mind you I have
always had a challenge with dates and time perception- everything is always two
days or a week away. Oh, is that
procrastination? Well, the fact that it
occurred during this season was more of an annoyance than anything. Anyway, people see you functioning, albeit
slightly off-kilter, and they don’t know how to approach you. By people I mean those that are spiritually
inclined as per the Holy Spirit. Worldly
people, well, they deal with other spiritual inclinations. In other words not them. Let’s let them watch reality television for
now. No one could approach me because
their first inclination would likely have been to pray for me and at that time
I didn’t trust solicited prayer. I
didn’t want the spiritual prying from any person. I was working out my own salvation, indeed,
with fear and trembling. This probably
doesn’t read like that was what I was doing, but I was. God was the only living being that I could
trust. I needed to know for myself that
He was there in that hell of a wilderness with me. I was reading the word, I was praying, I was
learning of Him in church and Bible College and I was lost as, well… I was lost
as hell.
I questioned everything.
For example I questioned whether or not the things I heard/learned
proceeded from the mouth of God or the heart of man. The non-denominational but not non-man
doctrinal thingamajig was like a spiritual rash. Remember the children’s game pin the tail on
the donkey? If not, someone hands you a donkey’s tail, blindfolds you, spins
you around and sends you on your dizzy, merry way to pin the tail on the poster
of a disturbed looking donkey. In my wilderness version of the game God was the
target and man was spinning me around with his version of the word of God and
sending me off on my dizzy, (un)merry way to find God except I was the
disturbed looking donkey and maybe the tail also.
I must say, though, despite the fact that my dreams and
visions dried up my hearing opened up and there was depth to it. I kept hearing “first love.” I was like “Yo
God, you know I love you, stop playing and give me some sugar.” No I didn’t but it sounded good for the
moment as I was typing. Keep it light
right? First love, first love. First love God. I made it a point to first love God and not
concern myself with the ways of men. As
the Father began to reveal and purge those things in me He began to occupy more
space within me. He was having an Occupy
Me Movement protesting against the things He hates that were trapped in the
deepest recesses of my being. He pitched a tent in my spirit and had a grass
roots sit in and dwell in. I’d like to
say it was non-violent but the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the
violent take it by force. My God fought
for me and snatched me from the grip of despair.
What I thought I had lost, my ability to write, was
eventually restored. The dreams and
visions, too. What I gained, though, was
another means to outwardly worship the Lord in joining the Bible College’s
Choir. I had considered writing as my
means of worship unto the Lord. While it
was being rested the Lord began to develop another means to worship Him. I literally began to sing to Him a new song. After one particular choir rehearsal I walked
to my car, got in, sat there and wept I was so thankful to worship Him. Have you ever had a pent-up worship? Perhaps
I’m the only one weird like that. The
release is such that you don’t even care what happens next; God is worthy!
I recently attended a prophetic conference and received a
prophecy at some point during it. Among
the many things the prophet told me the most profound was the statement “You
have been loyal.” I thought it was an
odd statement to make at the time and relegated it to the fact that during my
wilderness season I was considering leaving the church I was a member of. As I heard the words my first response to
them was “Of course I have been!’
Another part of the problem was asking myself if it was misplaced
loyalty. Still I couldn’t shake the
oddity of that particular statement.
While I was in the wilderness being attacked, tempted and purged I
remained loyal to my Lord and Savior. I
did not ever consider turning my back on God.
Perhaps a handful of people but never once did I consider turning my
back on God.
After the conference ended and left me with more questions
than answers, in my frustration I had planned not to attend the Sunday church
service. I, without reluctance, abandoned
that plan and went anyway. It was then
the questions were answered that I really do hear from God despite what others
may think of my hearing. I received so
many confirmations and answers- even to the question of why the Lord had led me
to revisit one of the poems I had written perhaps four years ago titled “Time
Machine.” The guest speaker spoke of
time in his sermon and Ecclesiastes 3, both of which are central to the
poem. More important than the answers
and confirmation I got, I met the God who sees me, El Roi, that day. I cannot tell you what that feels like. I can only say that it involves a lot of
thanksgiving, praise, worship, and yes, ugly face tears.
Instead of reading Bible stories or hearing someone teach
about it I went through the wilderness with God, Himself, by my side. What better teacher is there than He? If faith comes by hearing and hearing by the
word of God then I got faith straight from the Big Man, the Author and Finisher
of my faith!
Being in the wilderness for a protracted amount
of time was duly rough but I would not trade that time of reflection,revealing,
healing, spiritual growth and maturing, and relationship building with the
triune God with anything any man can offer or preach.
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