I wish I could tell you how many times I’ve read,
heard, or talked about the ancient Israelites being delivered from Egypt and
all of the amazing miracles God performed on their behalf. They who, miracle
after miracle, proceeded to turn their backs on God time after time with their
murmurings and carnal desires. What
idiots, right? He was a pillar of a
cloud with them in the daytime and a pillar of fire with them at night and still
they murmured. When they complained of
hunger they wanted to return to the bondage of Egypt but God, hearing their
cries, gave to them freely the food of angels, manna. (Exodus 16:4, Psalm
78:24-25)
Their most boisterous complaint, in my opinion, was
demonstrated when they tired of waiting on God and built a golden ram to
worship. Yes, they’re still idiots. The nerve of a chosen people getting tired of
waiting on God! I thought to myself what
foolishness! How can they do such things
when God was visible to them? They could hear His voice as an exceeding loud
trumpet for goodness’ sake! (Exodus 19:16) Still they rebelled. Did I say the word idiots? Yes, twice
already. So you’re getting the picture
of how they behaved in general and their attitude specifically, stiff-necked is
what they were called back then.
One sunny and beautiful Southern California day I
found myself to be wallowing in the pit of misery that was me and, oh, so very
woeful. I was thinking about the state
of my affairs and wondering why I wasn’t by now living the victorious life as a
matter of habit rather than wishful thinking.
I was regretting that I was no longer working at that job where, surely
the manager hated me, but it was the means for me to better take care of myself
and my family. Working there I wasn’t so…
dependent. I was surviving but barely
really. I was definitely miserable but I
wasn’t whatever this is. I kept crying
out to God and endeavored to know Him in a deeper more personal way because
what I was doing obviously was not working.
In many ways my life, indeed, was failing but I dared not settle for
failure. Not as a child of the most-high
God! What would my family and friends think, right? Some kind of Christian you are comes to
mind. I determined to scrap everything I
was presently doing to start over and earnestly pursue God differently and also
my purpose differently. I was still
miserable and in the pits but still in pursuit.
Somewhere in the middle of my utterly gut-wrenching,
heartbreaking me-ness reverie that included violins and harps, I heard Holy
Spirit say, “About those Israelites…” I could swear there was a mirror right in
front of my face, too, when He said it.
There was. It was the Psalm 78
mirror. I read, rather, saw that I was
no different than they were. In Psalm 78
you can read about what God did for the Israelites, how they responded to His
works, and God’s reaction to their response.
I saw myself there in the text rebellious and murmuring. Did I hear you say idiot? Yes, that was I. Busted in all of my
Pharisaical shame. I was so wrapped up
into myself I was squeezing God out of my life much as I’d like to think I was
holding on to Him. Surely He was working
miracles in my life and I was experiencing His profound mercy and blessings but
I could not see my way out of the pits. You know? The fact that He was still
communicating with me was miraculous the way I see it.
Physically I was out there but in my mind I had
withdrawn. I was just going through the motions. I was drowning in despair but couldn’t think
of anyone to turn to but God. Hey, I
feel defeated is not the usual conversation starter but it’s one I’m sure more
people wish would be. To be honest it
was a homework assignment that led me to read Psalm 78. That’s what helped me snap out of it. Well, that and crying out to God for mercy. The timing of that assignment, I know, was
God’s response to me constantly calling out to Him from my misery pit. I didn’t feel comfortable with the thought of
being a burden to anyone, who, like me was bearing their own. Mind you there is scriptural justification towards
bearing one another’s burdens, Galatians 6:2. It’s something believers should do more
of. I believe this season specifically was
part of my maturation process. It is a solo flight, if you will. How to trust God for yourself is an ongoing
lesson and one I needed a refresher course in.
As I read the Psalm 78 text I felt such shame that I could
so easily be like the ancient Israelites by murmuring so. I was sick of myself but could not stop
it. Yes, parts of my life were failing
but murmuring, which is really not trusting God, was opening the door to other
types of failure mentality: fear, doubt, insecurity, anxiety, depression,
hopelessness, and paranoia. I didn’t
build a golden calf but I had me. My ego
was my idol and to worship it all I had to do was murmur, complain and wallow
in self-pity. Unlike the Israelites,
though, I was spared His wrath. That
little episode of facing the mirror led me to repentance. Don’t take lightly the gift of
repentance. 2Chronicles
7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and
pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from
heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. The land, my life, was in desperate need of
healing.
It’s one thing to know the scriptures and, to tell you
the truth if you’re not careful they can become like Christianese or the
believer’s version of being politically correct. Quite another thing is becoming the scriptures
by your actions. I was weighed and found
wanting. (Daniel 5:27) Truly that’s what it’s all about. We all live the scriptures whether we are believers
or not. Somewhere in the text there is a verse holding
up a mirror to your face. That is if you
are honest with yourself. If you are
honest you will judge yourself. Incidentally I’ve been having planks removed
from my eyes. Holy Spirit makes for an
excellent ophthalmologic surgeon; trust and believe He is. I mean, He’ll even let
you hold onto the mirror and watch while He works.
I had a choice to make. I could either be the bad end of a parable or
I could be a disciple. I am choosing
discipleship. In so doing, I choose to
believe the Spirit of God dwells in me.
In me there is a pillar of a cloud in the daytime and in the darkness He is a pillar of fire within me. I choose to believe that He will never leave or forsake me; He is with
me always (Matthew 28:20) I choose to act like I believe it in my ways but
especially the ways of my thoughts. I choose to do
as He has commanded all believers to
do. (Matthew 28:19-20) Blessed are they
that do his commandments that they may have right to the tree of life, and may
enter in through the gates into the city. (Revelation 22:14) I also choose not to be an idiot by numbering
my imperfections, failures, but rather choose knowing I am perfected in Christ. So, yes, that misery pit that I dug myself
into, even that pit in my spirit, they have been sufficiently filled with
Christ. (John 16:33, I John 4:4)
And he said unto me, my grace is sufficient for thee:
for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I
rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 2Corinthians
12:9
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