Shackin' Up

Have you ever had one of those moments when the light of revelation suddenly switches on and you blurt out loudly, “Oh, I get it!”  If you’re lucky you’ll have those moments privately.  If you’re me you’ll blurt out, “Oh, man! I have commitment issues!”  Thankfully the timing of this particular outburst happened when I was having a private moment.  Mind you I have had many moments when I thought I was an undiagnosed Tourette’s patient. Yes, things get awkward frequently when you’re me.

What is most astonishing is this was not a new revelation.  Is it possible to have a recurrent revelation?  Let’s say yes it is and define it as one that comes up and gets pushed back down to the bowels of revelation storage from whence it came only to come up again in times of distress or contemplative introspection.  Ah, who am I kidding?  I was crying out to God asking Him, “What’s wrong with me?” This time the answer would not simply go away with a slight nod of my head and a whimsical albeit stupid look on my face. 

Admitting a commitment issue would invariably mean also admitting a rejection issue and probably even a trust issue.  I’ve admitted to lots of things including these, by the way, but have I dealt with them?  Not necessarily and certainly not definitively.  Since that intense moment of revelation the phrases commitment issues, rejection and trust issues kept repeating on me like spiritual indigestion.  I swallowed the reflux like the queen of heartburn– like a champ, ok wimp, and just let it settle in my belly. If you’re wondering how ulcers formulate, like I am right now, I think we’re on to something.

I recently heard a sermon about Hosea the prophet.  He was commanded by God to marry a prostitute, he chose Gomer, to symbolize the whoredoms of Israel. Overall it was a powerful, sobering message.  It was one in which I substituted myself for Gomer and the Lord for Hosea.  I was no better at committing to the Lord than Gomer was to Hosea.  I had been shackin’ up with the Lord, quite frankly, keeping my true self hidden and afraid that the words “I will never leave nor forsake you’ were just that, words. 

Who am I that this great God would choose me and call me His child?  People had called me friend, wife, employee; whatever, then rejected me and left me hanging.  I had since made the building up of walls around me, running from and avoiding not living up to others’ expectations of me a way of life.  Private failure is one thing but failing someone else I couldn’t handle.  Them failing me was even more challenging as I thought the disconnect was ultimately yet another of my failures.  I couldn’t trust people to not at some point leave me feeling like a failure. 

All of those unrealistic expectations were magnified because I saw myself as Gomer.  What expectations did the Lord have of me that I would ultimately not live up to? My whoredoms were constantly before me. I wanted to stop but couldn’t help myself.  I began to understand Paul’s plight as described in Roman’s 7:15-25. 

I mentioned three whoredoms:  commitment issues, rejection issues and trust issues from an incredibly long list of whoredoms but those three were enough to make my relationship with God more like shackin’ up than a real intimate relationship with Him.  I now understand how it’s been less than a committed marriage.   Contemplative introspectively it wasn’t really about whether He would leave or forsake me.  My modus operandi was to bolt long before that happened.  It was really about whether I could believe in my heart that I was who He called me, His.  How could I live up to that?  Did Gomer really believe that man of God called her wife despite who she was, love amongst the brethren being so conditional? Incidentally, I wonder how long it takes for someone to be transformed by love.  Did Hosea love Gomer or was he simply doing as God commanded?  We can certainly do what God says.  We can also do those things without love.  Jonah comes to mind in that respect.

There was a period of time when I felt like I was caving in under the weight of the world, er my world.  During the excavation process I had to face some difficult things about myself.  My constant prayer was to ask the Lord to remove from me anything that was not of Him; to create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10) I didn’t want to be a Gomer.  I wanted to go more for His sake and be who He says I am.

I had to trust that I was His.  I had to trust that I am all that He calls me and even who He called me to be.  Anything less than me fully trusting His Word– that it fully applies to me makes me a shacker-upper, a Gomer. He has accepted me.  Period.  Once I got that into my spirit I became less like Gomer and more like Mephibosheth sitting at the King’s table.  He has prepared a table for me in the presence of my enemies, commitment issues, rejection issues, trust issues, etcetera.  What I needed to do was have a seat at the table He prepared and not excuse myself. 

I need not have to tell you when the Lord prepares the table it’s more like a smorgasbord of His goodness, mercy, justice, righteousness, love, peace and an abundance of everything your heart desires.  The price of admission has been paid for through the blood of the Lamb.  Accept Him. That is accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, that He has paid for you and take a seat.

Stay seated by loving Him with all your heart, mind, and soul.  Kick up your heels by loving others as you love yourself. (Hint: LOVE YOURSELF).  Stay seated by seeking first the kingdom of God and HIS righteousness.  Stay seated by doing as He said, “Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you. REMEMBER He says, lo, I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world. Matthew 28:19-20.

And for goodness’ sake no more shackin’up!