Whom Do The People Say That I Am?

About three years ago I went to a prophetic conference a local church was hosting in Rancho Cucamonga, Ca.  I remember studying the speaker bios in the notebook I was given.  While doing so it was dropped in my spirit that I should write up my own bio.  I didn’t know what for as I hadn’t planned on any speaking engagements any time soon.  Still, I was excited with the possibility that the Lord would one day open the door for me to do such a thing.  I reflected on the times long past when I thought I would be a motivational speaker.  Then I was more involved in worldly ways and things than I was with kingdom things and the ways of God.  In essence I had nothing to say.  At any rate if I had decided to come up with something to say it wouldn’t have been very godly.

 When I was considering writing my bio I was barely getting acquainted with God and myself, for that matter– who I was in Him.  I sat in the park across the street from the church and began to write.  It all sounded like foolishness, I mean, who did I think I was and what did that have to do with anyone that might read about it? I was beginning to understand who I was but it all seemed like minutia and the sum total of it all amounted to what, nothing?  I had a world’s resume of working in the medical field and a spiritual resume of being a sinner, a really good one at that, but I wasn’t excited to tell anyone about it. As I wrote I kept asking, “So?”  That was a few years ago and if I wrote my bio today I’d still approach it in the same way. 

I still like to read people’s bios and imagine what God had has brought them through even if the Bio doesn’t specifically state it.  Some of them, to me, declare ‘Look what I achieved!”  and the question, “So?” comes to mind and I have to fight through it checking my own arrogance.  If Jesus had a Bio, what would it read?

Jesus the Christ:  God’s only begotten Son, Son of man, Second Adam, Lion of Judah, Prince of Peace, King of the Jews, The Way, The Truth, The Life; I used spit and clay to restore a blind man’s sight, I first taught in the synagogue at age twelve and totally blew everyone away, I can pray until I sweat blood, I have confounded many scribes and Pharisees with my authoritative  teaching, I have mastered the parable, I can walk on water, I can sleep through a storm  then wake up, speak to the winds and calm the seas; I can ask a man to follow me and he will, I can tell a man where the good fishing is– enough to break his nets, I can feed a multitude with two fish and five loaves.  Oh, yes, I almost forgot!  Someone can touch the hem of my garment and be healed from an issue of blood, and then there’s this cool thing I did when, in the wilderness, I fasted for forty days and nights and resisted the temptations of the devil.  I know the thoughts of men, which are pretty much evil continually, but then there is like Nathanael who had no guile in him and he knew who I was; but that’s neither here nor there…

He may simply write, the Son can do nothing of himself, but what he sees the Father do or the same works that I do, bear witness of me, that the Father has sent me.  So much for advanced degrees and boast worthy achievements, if they do not witness that the Father sent you then, SO? Flesh and blood, or perhaps a conferred degree and fancy ink, has not revealed to you (who I am) but my Father which is in heaven.  We should spend less time on what we write about ourselves and more about what the Father is writing about us. Who we are is not defined by our works and busy-ness great as they may be.  Are we the epistles God has written us to be? How necessary is it to use worldly achievement to justify what we are going to preach or teach within the confines of a church or in the kingdom at large?

The apostle, Paul, was a learned man yet he said in 1 Corinthians 2:1-2  And, I brethren, when I came to you, came not with excellency of speech or of wisdom, declaring unto you the testimony of God.  For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and Him crucified.  He goes on to say  in verses 3-4 “And I was with you in weakness, (generally,  Bios speak to our strength) and in fear, and in much trembling (not the polish of an accomplished speaker is it?) and my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man’s wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power.  In verse 6 he says, “Howbeit we speak wisdom among them that are perfect: yet not the wisdom of this world (which a Bio done well represents) nor of the princes of this world, which came to nought.

 But when things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.  Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ. (Philippians 4:7-8) Ah! There’s my ‘So?” It’s all dung.  That “So?” was my own righteousness and the law of the world saying I needed a degree to do this or that.  Yes, to work in the medical field as a Radiologic Technologist I certainly did need to take certain classes and obtain certification, experience, etc.  None of it has anything to do with preaching, teaching, and spreading the gospel as God would have me do it. Let’s be real. My worldly credentials are but dung in the kingdom.  My credentialing, if you will, is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith… the fellowship of His sufferings, being made conformable unto His death and the POWER of His resurrection.(Philippians 3:9-10)  It is Jesus! My Bio, should I decide to start writing one again will not ask “So?’ but declare JESUS! Amen.

Issues and the Flow of Things

Really it all starts with a seed.  In this case the seed was a beautiful, well- thought out commercial for a church conference.  The promised speakers were three powerful men and two virtuous women.  There were POWERFUL MEN and virtuous women?  I couldn’t pinpoint why the terminology nagged at me but it did for a period of time.  Was there a dormant feminist within me that had suddenly awakened to cry out, “Are not these women of God as powerful as their male counterparts?  Must the church acknowledge women in the same manner as the world– the need for them to be Puritanical and dainty because to declare them powerful would stir up negative connotations?”  Ah, virtuous women thou art acceptable to be heard!  No. That wasn’t it.  I quietly tucked away that word virtuous along with a host of other nuggets for their purpose to be determined at another time. 

A few weeks passed by and yesterday, while driving to a worship conference, I decided to be a step ahead and worship as I drove.  Holy Spirit broke in to my singing reverie with a vision of Jesus turning about and asking, “who touched me?’  Said I to myself, ‘Oh, yeah, VIRTUE, went out from Him.”(Hint; in case you missed it Jesus was a virtuous man)  Luke 8:43-44 And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, came behind Him, and touched the border of His garment and immediately her issue of blood stanched.

Issue of blood… I thought if, while chopping vegetables, I accidently cut my finger and it began to bleed profusely, my issue wouldn’t be of blood, per se, but an issue of the cut.  Jesus said, somebody has touched me: for I perceive that virtue has gone out of me. (Luke 8:46) I’m thinking this woman’s spiritual life had a physical manifestation.  It’s not an unheard of concept.  After all, Jesus was in such an emotional turmoil over His pending separation from the Father that He began to sweat blood as He prayed in the Garden of Gethsemane.  A Dictionary of the Bible Comprising its Antiquity, Biography, Geography and Natural History (1897) Edited by William Smith says this about bloody sweat:  One of the physical phenomena attending our Lord’s agony in the Garden of Gethsemane is described by St. Luke xxii.44 “His sweat was as it were great drops (lit. clots) of blood falling down to the ground… of this malady, known in medical science as diapedesis, there have been examples recorded both in ancient and modern times.  Aristotle was aware of it.  The cause assigned is generally violent mental emotion.  Issue of blood as defined in the same book- the menstruous discharge or the fluxu uteri (Lev. 15:19-30, Matt 9:20, Mark 5:25, Luke 8:43) the latter caused a permanent legal uncleanness, the former a temporary one, mostly for seven days; after which was to be purified by their customary offering. 

Now then, what is virtue?  Webster’s 1913 Dictionary defines it as 1. Manly strength or courage, bravery, daring, spirit, valor. (Yes, I was surprised) 2. Active quality or power; capacity or power adequate to the production of a given effect; energy, strength, potency efficacy as the virtue of a medicine.  Incidentally it is under this description where it states “Jesus, immediately knowing in himself that virtue had gone out of him, turned him about. Mark v.30 (Jesus is medicine!) Let’s skip to 4. Excellence; value; merit; meritoriousness; worth 5. Specifically, moral excellence; integrity of character; purity of soul; performance of duty.  (I hear You, Holy Spirit!) Skip to 7. Specifically: chastity; purity, especially, the chastity of women (was her issue a means to deal with a lack of chastity and to separate her from unchaste activity?)  OK, the next definition surprised me: 8. one of the orders of celestial hierarchy, thrones, dominations, princedoms, virtues, powers.  Say what now, celestial hierarchy? Does this bring Ephesians 6:12 to mind or is it just me?  Oh, that word again but this time in the midst of celestial hierarchy.  My God, my God!

And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9a) The woman that touched the border of Jesus’ garment had a weakness in virtue.  The power of Christ perceived gone out from Him, the grace gone out from Him, was virtue and His strength was such that stanched her physical and spiritual condition.  His strength, virtue, was made perfect in her weakness, lack of virtue.  If I were to equate these findings with today’s believer, one who lacked virtue is one that lacks boldness (Ephesians3:12, 6:19-20; Hebrews 13:6), does not operate in power (Luke 10:19, Romans 1:16), doesn’t not move in the spirit of excellence (1 Corinthians 12:31), or moral excellence (Ephesians 2),  neither does such a one exercise authority over celestial hierarchy (Ephesians 6:10-17) and could likely be dealing with issues of chastity or carnality.

As an aside we should be wary of who is around us.  It is possible to keep company with certain persons and not perceive that virtue goes out from you when you do.  We should, as virtuous people, perceive even in the midst of a crowd, when virtue goes out from us. 

Father God I praise You and bless Your holy name.  I thank you for the time we spend together and you download your love, ideas and revelation.  Thank You for Your Son, Jesus, whose strength is made perfect in our weakness.  Whatever our weakness is be it virtue, sickness, or indifference to Your word, by Your stripes we are healed and by your grace we are saved.  I thank you Holy Spirit that You can plant the seed of one word and allow time for it to grow and develop within me that I may seek you for clarity and insight.  As Jesus was a virtuous man I cannot help but aspire to his model of virtue that I may perceive when virtue goes out from me.  I pray that I and those who constantly seek You will be conduits through which your love, grace and healing flows.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen.

 

Wandering Headlong and Entering The Wilderness (W.H.E.W!)

I have reason to believe that I am on the backside of a season of wandering in the wilderness, a spiritual wilderness, that is.  It wasn’t like some untraveled, pristine meadow where wildflowers sway unimpeded in warm, dry breezes waiting for someone to pick them by the armful and twirl around singing, “The hills are alive with the sound of music!”  No.  No freaking way.  This was God I’ve made my bed in hell are You really here with me wilderness.  This was well travelled wilderness on paths thankfully left behind, road-blocked and marked with signage that reads “Warning no Trespassing; Danger Ahead” and there are no warm breezes but hot, howling winds of turmoil and reflection.  How did I get there? Well, sometimes when I pray I ask the Lord to purify me and sanctify me.  I ask Him to cleanse me with hyssop and allow me to decrease and Himself to increase.  Yes, stuff like that.  I pray or converse, really, and pat myself on the back for praying up some humility and the killing of my flesh.  Atta girl!  Way to go saint!  That kind of business.   I’ve prayed that prayer, oh, I don’t know how many times. A few?  Then God answered. 

I suppose Holy Spirit said with a wink and a grin, “God, I’ll take this one. Ooh let me, please, take this one NOW!”  I was led into the wilderness and if you know the story of Jesus being led into the wilderness to be tempted of Satan, well, my story… Let’s just pray with the expectation that I passed the test and will not have to repeat any portion of the exam.  You know when you have those kinds of exams and when you fail a section you only have to repeat that section and not the entire exam?  In fact, I do not care to repeat any of it; pray with me that I will not need to.

How did I handle the being in the wilderness?  Like any typical mentally challenged person off their medication would- paranoia, depression, anxiety, insecurity, being offended, being prideful, being shameful, being self-righteous, withdrawing and my favorite, eating a lot of ice cream.  Oh, I prayed throughout make no mistake about it.  I didn’t forget my lessons in warfare.  Have you ever felt your prayers being hindered?  I swear I now know the sensation of a prayer hitting the ceiling.  There’s a hollow “thunk” sound that accompanies it; you know, that sound you hear when you determine if a watermelon is ripe; that one. 

My dreams and visions evaporated.  I all but stopped writing.  Let me repeat that one.  I all but stopped writing.  Writing, for me, is a key manifestation of my communication with the Lord.  I had TONS of ideas and none of them were inclined to make sense enough to be pecked out on a keyboard or scribbled on paper.  I wanted to quit; not living, although I questioned the point of living at all.  I wanted to quit, like, a lot of stuff.  Seemingly everything I did was for the benefit of someone else and it was taking a toll on my life in every way one can possibly think of. 

Back to the business of purging.  I was shown I have some serious trust issues.  I mean serious.  Also there was this spirit of rejection that persistently dogs me.  I can’t leave out his partners, spirit of death (family members were dying left and right and then left again), the spirit of fear, (yeah, I know God didn’t give me that but it didn’t stop it from showing up at my doorstep) the spirit of confusion and the heinous spirit of suicide.  The term Luciferian Doctrine was one I heard in a church service and that really shook things up a bit.  Then there was the Doctrine of the Nicolaitans hovering about and making me feel suffocated in church; by the church?  The thing is no one could help me; not really.  I couldn’t help but to fight anyone that tried.  This was my Jacob wrestling moment kind of-sort of.  I was wrestling everything and everyone- my demons, myself, and my God. 

There’s this strange thing about being in the wilderness it’s like being a functional illiterate- no one notices that you’re not reading anything, they just see you functioning. Challenged persons off their meds occasionally let things slip.  I couldn’t tell one day/ date from another.  Mind you I have always had a challenge with dates and time perception- everything is always two days or a week away.  Oh, is that procrastination?  Well, the fact that it occurred during this season was more of an annoyance than anything.  Anyway, people see you functioning, albeit slightly off-kilter, and they don’t know how to approach you.  By people I mean those that are spiritually inclined as per the Holy Spirit.  Worldly people, well, they deal with other spiritual inclinations.  In other words not them.  Let’s let them watch reality television for now.  No one could approach me because their first inclination would likely have been to pray for me and at that time I didn’t trust solicited prayer.  I didn’t want the spiritual prying from any person.  I was working out my own salvation, indeed, with fear and trembling.  This probably doesn’t read like that was what I was doing, but I was.  God was the only living being that I could trust.  I needed to know for myself that He was there in that hell of a wilderness with me.  I was reading the word, I was praying, I was learning of Him in church and Bible College and I was lost as, well… I was lost as hell.

I questioned everything.  For example I questioned whether or not the things I heard/learned proceeded from the mouth of God or the heart of man.  The non-denominational but not non-man doctrinal thingamajig was like a spiritual rash.  Remember the children’s game pin the tail on the donkey? If not, someone hands you a donkey’s tail, blindfolds you, spins you around and sends you on your dizzy, merry way to pin the tail on the poster of a disturbed looking donkey. In my wilderness version of the game God was the target and man was spinning me around with his version of the word of God and sending me off on my dizzy, (un)merry way to find God except I was the disturbed looking donkey and maybe the tail also.

I must say, though, despite the fact that my dreams and visions dried up my hearing opened up and there was depth to it.  I kept hearing “first love.” I was like “Yo God, you know I love you, stop playing and give me some sugar.”  No I didn’t but it sounded good for the moment as I was typing.  Keep it light right?  First love, first love.  First love God.  I made it a point to first love God and not concern myself with the ways of men.  As the Father began to reveal and purge those things in me He began to occupy more space within me.  He was having an Occupy Me Movement protesting against the things He hates that were trapped in the deepest recesses of my being. He pitched a tent in my spirit and had a grass roots sit in and dwell in.  I’d like to say it was non-violent but the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence, and the violent take it by force.  My God fought for me and snatched me from the grip of despair. 

What I thought I had lost, my ability to write, was eventually restored.  The dreams and visions, too.  What I gained, though, was another means to outwardly worship the Lord in joining the Bible College’s Choir.  I had considered writing as my means of worship unto the Lord.  While it was being rested the Lord began to develop another means to worship Him.  I literally began to sing to Him a new song.  After one particular choir rehearsal I walked to my car, got in, sat there and wept I was so thankful to worship Him.  Have you ever had a pent-up worship? Perhaps I’m the only one weird like that.  The release is such that you don’t even care what happens next; God is worthy! 

I recently attended a prophetic conference and received a prophecy at some point during it.  Among the many things the prophet told me the most profound was the statement “You have been loyal.”  I thought it was an odd statement to make at the time and relegated it to the fact that during my wilderness season I was considering leaving the church I was a member of.  As I heard the words my first response to them was “Of course I have been!’  Another part of the problem was asking myself if it was misplaced loyalty.  Still I couldn’t shake the oddity of that particular statement.  While I was in the wilderness being attacked, tempted and purged I remained loyal to my Lord and Savior.  I did not ever consider turning my back on God.  Perhaps a handful of people but never once did I consider turning my back on God. 

After the conference ended and left me with more questions than answers, in my frustration I had planned not to attend the Sunday church service.  I, without reluctance, abandoned that plan and went anyway.  It was then the questions were answered that I really do hear from God despite what others may think of my hearing.  I received so many confirmations and answers- even to the question of why the Lord had led me to revisit one of the poems I had written perhaps four years ago titled “Time Machine.”  The guest speaker spoke of time in his sermon and Ecclesiastes 3, both of which are central to the poem.  More important than the answers and confirmation I got, I met the God who sees me, El Roi, that day.  I cannot tell you what that feels like.  I can only say that it involves a lot of thanksgiving, praise, worship, and yes, ugly face tears. 

Instead of reading Bible stories or hearing someone teach about it I went through the wilderness with God, Himself, by my side.  What better teacher is there than He?  If faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God then I got faith straight from the Big Man, the Author and Finisher of my faith!

Being in the wilderness for a protracted amount of time was duly rough but I would not trade that time of reflection,revealing, healing, spiritual growth and maturing, and relationship building with the triune God with anything any man can offer or preach.    

A Small Prayer

I contemplated how I would write this for a little while now.  You see, I had this experience yesterday that was so… I cannot even think of the right word to express it.  Let’s just say I was moved to tears.  To be honest I was trying to avoid it happening. Go figure.  Things like this I am supposed to make happen on a regular basis.  I won’t deny it. I also won’t deny I am more comfortable pecking out things to say behind a keyboard than actually saying them.  But what did Jesus do? He TALKED TO PEOPLE!

So here is the deal.  There is a person with whom I work on a per diem basis that has been in bondage to smoking cigarettes for many years now.  He has been wanting to quit but really enjoys smoking.  I told him I would pray for him and how I believed the Lord would get rid of that habit for him.  I even shared my testimony of how the Lord broke my smoking habit cold turkey some years ago.  He said that if he quit smoking he would believe in whatever God I believe in.  So I would remind God of what my co-worker said–  a lot at first, but less so over a period of time. 

From time to time he would tell me how much he truly enjoyed smoking.  One day I saw his pack of cigarettes in a drawer and I prayed against the hold they had over him.  Whenever we worked together he would still take his smoking breaks.  Understanding the stress of the job he performs and the great responsibility he has I still never doubted that the Lord would break his smoking habit. 

You can easily say smoking cigarettes has become a both a reward system and a stress reliever for him every bit as much as a habit.  He is close to his wedding date now and his fiancé would like for him to quit smoking.  Over the year or so since we first started talking about quitting smoking he would still bring up how much he enjoyed smoking.  I still prayed for him whenever Holy Spirit led me to do so.  Anyway as much as he would say he enjoyed smoking he began talk more of his desire to quit also.  Yesterday he said he was getting closer.

In a conversation with a friend of mine I brought up his story. Her response, something that never even crossed my mind was, “Maybe you just need to lay hands on him.” Duh! Why didn’t I think of that? Perhaps it was the fact that he was a co-worker?  That shouldn’t have mattered but I suppose it did.  I thought about it and the Lord showed a vison of me doing just that– laying hands on his chest and praying for him.  Ok, Lord, that won’t be awkward at all.  Did I mention it was per diem? Yes, well, whenever I went in I was covering him so for a while I didn’t get a chance to see him until yesterday. 

Everything was cool until Holy Spirit started pressing me about laying hands on him.  Even more so after dude said he was getting closer to quitting smoking.  As the day went on and time started running out I checked the calendar to see if, on the next day I worked, he would be there.  The answer was yes and I began to prepare in my mind that it would happen then.  Never mind the fact that I had been rehearsing in my head the things I would cover when I did pray for him for most of the day.  I wanted to at least sound like I pray on a regular basis and not like a babbling idiot because of nervousness.  Anyway time was running out.  I had a patient on the way and he was about to head out the door.  Opportunity blown I at least had the following week.  Still I had this dread, though, that I wouldn’t get another chance.  He went out the door and was going home. 

Feeling defeated I went on to focus on the task at hand; work.  Just a few short minutes later he came back into the room saying he forgot something.  He grabbed his wallet and was about to head out the door for a second time.  OK, I got You, Holy Spirit.  I quickly went out behind him to catch him and asked if later we could talk some time when he was available.  (Hello next Friday, right?)  Wrong! He asked if I wanted to talk “now.”  Here goes… I said "Sure, but what I really wanted to do is pray for you" and asked if it was ok.  I’m sure it caught him off guard but he allowed me to pray for him.  I started off by telling him that there was a scripture that says he who finds a wife finds a good thing and declared a blessing for his marriage and peace during the time leading up to the date.  None of the things I was saying or how I was even saying it was like I rehearsed it in my mind.  I then asked him if I could put my hand on his chest, which he gave me permission to do, and I prayed for him.  I don’t know who changed more me or him but since I could see his face I saw something just lift off him.  It wasn't a long or grandiose prayer.  I just let Holy Spirit have his way.  My co-worker was so appreciative and thanked me when I finished. 

I went back to my work station and another co-worker who, I guess overheard, asked what we were talking about but it was a private moment I wasn’t yet ready to speak about.  There was this warmth coursing through me, and not a typical hot flash.  All I could think of was in that moment I was actually experiencing a physical manifestation of being on fire for Christ.  Although I wasn’t openly weeping I couldn’t hold back the tears.  For at least ten minutes they kept welling up.  It was such a humbling experience.  I mean, I know that there are those who go about laying hands on people on a regular basis.  For me it was out of the ordinary and genuinely extraordinary.  I thought I was having challenges in my life and was, perhaps, out of order with the church I attend and God still used me to reach out to someone.  If you could have seen the look on his face, though.  That look someone has when they are genuinely touched by a gesture of thoughtfulness.  And me knowing in my spirit that a seed was planted.  How does one adequately describe that?

My God is so great I’m just awestruck by Him.  Oh, those tears again! I’m just so amazed by God.  I know for sure there is nothing He can’t do and no willing vessel He can’t use.  He… He’s simply wonderful and so considerate of people.  Really I am just overwhelmed by His mercy.  I know my co-worker’s smoking habit will be broken but not only that. He will speak of the God I believe in, the one true living God that healed him.  To see God glorified in this what better testimony is there than that?

 

 

Letters

In some ways, many ways actually, Holy Spirit and I have an odd working relationship.  Odd as in the way it works; odd that He is longsuffering towards me for it to be so.  Let’s say He is a patient teacher as far as I’m concerned.  Around the time when I was really beginning to discover who I am in Christ, a scribe, He gave me the revelation that the apostles were primarily writing the experiences they had with Christ.  Though they were with Him together they each told their own story.  Of course I wondered, then, if they knew years later people would be quoting their words like the kingdom equivalent of incantations but that’s another story.  He clearly and simply told me to write my story.  To a degree I have done that– this blog for instance, but as I continue to walk further with the Lord my story gets deeper, more personal.

I mentioned our odd working relationship.  Generally, before I write, He will give me a word, a phrase, or even a scripture to start with.  Other times I will get an unction to do something out of the ordinary.  This time I’ve been wanting to find a pen pal.  You know, handwritten correspondence, perhaps using cursive or whatever that thing is I do with letters that is really a combination of cursive and printing, so the parties involved can find encouragement in their mailboxes.  Yes, that correspondence stuff.  I grandly envisioned enough people on board to turn around the fate of the United States Postal Service. Do people other than bill collectors send letters anymore?

Anyway, while looking through boxes of papers I came across a letter I had written to my husband back in 1993.  The gist of it was a heartfelt let’s try this marriage thing again even after the infidelities, verbal and physical abuse. Yes, my sad little life as a folded two page letter beginning to yellow and still holding the jagged edges on top from the spiral notebook I ripped them out from.  I also found two letters that I had written in 1997 to people I had met at a business conference.  Those were quite entertaining.  I must have thought it better not to send those to avoid the appearance of being silly.  In retrospect joy never hurt anyone and joy was leaping off of the pages! We must have had a great time.  I found letters that I had written to pastors of a church…  Don’t get me started with the multiple drafts I have saved on email.  The point is because I never sent the letters I will never know if my career would have gone in a new direction and given a new life. I don’t know if that letter to my husband would have been the necessary breakthrough my marriage needed. (Man, when God out that curse on Eve He wasn’t kidding! Genesis 3:16) I don’t know how much further along my spiritual journey would be had I sent the letters to those pastors.  Those I withheld because I had written too many letters with no response.  That’s the drawback of being a scribe– having more words than people have time to read.  Sounds much like the Bible doesn’t it? It, too, has more words than people take time to read.  Oh, but the beautiful letters it contains. In case you are wondering I am sighing right now.

So what was Holy Spirit showing me with this exercise, a lesson in regrets? No.  But clearly He and I have some matters to address.  I hope privately, though. Let’s talk about the apostle Paul instead.  What if the letters he wrote to the Galatians, Colossians, Philippians, etcetera, were never delivered?  How would those churches of old have fared without his explicit written guidance to look upon?  How would today’s church have fared without them?  What if none of the apostles documented their experiences with Christ?  As I write I realize I have more questions than answers.  If you know me by now that’s no big surprise.  Jesus is the AUTHOR and finisher of our faith.  I had the author part down and I’ve got a track record of lacking in the finisher department.  Not to worry. If Holy Spirit reveals a thing you’d best believe He is also working on that thing He has revealed.  So tell me, what letters are you writing? They may be the very ones to change your world and the world.

1 Thessalonians 5:27

More on Words

Yesterday morning I, thank God, awoke but with the words on my heart “Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.” I was given also other bits of scriptures: give us this day our daily bread, take no thought, and my thoughts are not your thoughts.  Admittedly those are some heavy words to be awakened with.  Even now, on this day I am still meditating on “live by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.”

So, how am I living?  The question begs to be asked simply because Holy Spirit gave it to me to consider.  The honest answer is not by every word that proceeds out the mouth of God.  How can I when, truth be told, I do not know every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.  I thought, perhaps, that this would be a lesson on how I should study the Bible going forward.  I mean, I have no set pattern of how I approach the word of God.  I just jump in.  The word is the word, right? All of it is profitable.  Clearly God is giving me direction and the way to find Him.  As much as I’d like to think I am seeking Him, I am, without a doubt, sure that He seeks me more. 

My initial thought was that I should endeavor to read through the Bible making it a point to focus on those things from the mouth of God.  Let there be light.  I was reminded, then, of a teaching by one of the local pastors who teaches that God said, “Light be” and not let as the word let takes away from God’s authority as if He were asking permission of some being to allow light.  My argument was God was declaring where light should be as opposed to asking for it to be. In my mind God was establishing a place where light should exist.  I later drew the conclusion that God wasn’t much concerned with our semantics.  Isn’t it, after all, foolishness to Him?

Funny how, as I considered the words that proceed from the mouth of God, the word popery kept coming to mind.  Why? I thought- at first. I do have on my Google Books account things written from days long passed about those fighting the influence of the Catholic Church.  Where was the popery, then, in my life?  Pastors.  I am a student of the words that proceed out of the mouths of men.  I trusted them as being the mouths of God and in so doing I knew more of the revelation God gave unto them more than the revelation God gives to me.  Many times theirs supplanted my own and even, on occasion, caused me to question my own revelation. Well, let me say this instead, I was obedient to their revelation and kept mine.  This is not to say that pastors are not vital. Nor is it to say that they don’t speak the word of God.  What I am saying is that Holy Spirit is letting me know that now is the time that I work out my own salvation with fear and trembling and understand that it is God which is working in me both to will and to do his good pleasure (Philippians 2:12-13) and I needed to know his will and good pleasure so I can live– in him and He in me. 

I asked again. How am I living? Not the abundance of God.  If there is any abundance to speak of it has been sadness.  As I began to seek the Lord, and after recent events in my life, I began to count the cost.  My immediate family is in shambles- my son cannot/will not speak to me.  The rest think I am crazy for my seeking or at the very least not understanding of it.  I was fired from my full time job and the temporary job I have cut my pay and still pays me inconsistently- not to mention getting paid at all is a challenge.  Most areas of my life are as if weights and I don’t understand why I am tied to them.  They compassed me about; yea, they compassed me about: but in the name of the LORD I will destroy them. (Psalm 118:11) The weights, that is, will be destroyed.  Still, I was counting the costs and decided my pursuit of ministry was the cause of the weights and I began to look at areas where I could shed weights.  I thought, yes, I thought, the cost of ministry was too great and I was going to leave it behind.  How could I, though, leave God behind? The answer is I wouldn’t leave God behind; just men.  As far as ministry was concerned, I would return to my first love, to write.

What I didn’t realize was through bearing the weight of others I set aside my connection to God, my writing.  My first love in the natural is connected to my first love in the spirit, Jesus Christ. He is seeking me and telling me to live by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.  In my season of darkness He gave me direction and said, “Let there (in me, an established place) be light.” For the sake of argument He said, “Light be” and “God saw the light, (in me) that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness. (Genesis 1:4) God declared that light should be in me.  God declared that light should be in me. God declared that Light should be in ME! Light BE.  He in me and I in Him; He separated me from the darkness.  From the mouth of God came MY revelation!

But know that the LORD hath set apart (divided the light from the darkness) him that is godly (created in His image) for himself: the LORD will hear when I call unto him. (Psalm 4:3) Indeed He has and always will. For that I can reconcile how blessed and highly favored I truly am.  He not only gave my living direction, every word that proceeds from the mouth of God, but also my first love– write every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.  Ministry as doing what I see my Father do, saying what my Father says and writing it down to bring about repentance, reconciliation of man to God through Jesus and preach the kingdom of God. In the name of Jesus. Living by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God to set aside the weights; not the gospel.  Every word that proceeded from the mouth of God, from the mouth of Jesus gave life.  How can I, being godly, not do the same?

Words

Proverbs 18:8 The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly.

I once thought that words spoken to me, hurtful ones, were those that I should easily get over as an issue of mind over matter.  I found myself tied to vicious words, some of which were spoken many years ago, some of them more recently, because of the vicious cycle they represent.  The words were tied to various seasons in my life and like natural seasons that come and go and return again the words did the same thing.

I thought if I simply got my mind right, have the mind of Christ, I could deal with those hurtful words.  I have learned that “getting my mind right” had been to no avail because those words were down in my belly where my spirit man resides.  I was not aware that I was dealing with a wounded spirit. 

Who is the talebearer, the gossiper?  Any person who carries the tales of the devil with or without the intent to cause a wound in the tale’s hearer.  By without intent I mean to say words from those who, out of the goodness of their heart, tell you something they think you should know to help you but the “help”, instead, causes a wound.  Either way the devil’s work is done.   It’s the person who tells you ungodly things (even about yourself) that do not align with the word of God subsequently wounding your spirit.  Truly if you are to love your neighbor as yourself then what is spoken against your neighbor, gossip, tales, or lies is likewise injurious to you.  Anyone that tells you a thing that is not uplifting, encouraging or meant for your overall good is a talebearer and any person can be a talebearer.  If the LORD can open the mouth of a donkey to speak then surely the devil can open the mouth of someone, generally someone close to you, and use that person as a talebearer. 

Knowing where those hurtful words are planted, down in the innermost parts of the belly, one can go about rooting them up by allowing Holy Spirit access to the protected area of your being.  These are the walls no one but Holy Spirit can penetrate.  He will do it but only through the action of your yielding.  You must be willing to have the word wounds healed.  Remember, words that hurt are a belly issue and not necessarily a mind issue.  They wound the belly but play out in the mind.  The mind rehearses the hurtful words as they are regurgitated from the belly.  Hurtful words are bondage in one of its purest forms. 

There are, according to Brad Scott of wildbranch.org, two Hebrew words that translate as the womb in scripture.  One is beten, and “is used commonly to express the area of the belly.”  The other, rechem, refers to the home of an unborn child.  Psalm 139:13 NIV For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. The KJV states this: For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mother's womb.  Now let’s consider for a moment the Benson Commentary on Psalm 139:13 it says, “ The most inward and hidden part of my body, supposed also to be the seat of men’s lusts and passions:  thou dwellest in them, thou art the owner and governor of them, and therefore must needs know them.  My most secret thoughts and intentions, and innermost recesses of my soul, are subject to thy control.¹” That’s where and why the talebearer strikes.  That’s why only the Lord can heal the wounds.  Who but the Creator, the One who knit and covered the creation, the One who knows the creation so intimately repair it?

Thine eyes did see my substance, yet being unperfect, and in thy book all my members were written, which in continuance were fashioned, when as yet there was none of them. (Psalm 139:16) All members fashioned in continuance including mind, body, and spirit.  Words as wounds down in the innermost parts of the belly, and the members being in continuance, all come under attack.  Can you imagine how much sickness and disease originated from wounding words?  Father, God. Lord, Jesus, heal us from within the innermost parts to the outermost.  Touch us deep within the belly where only you know the secrets of our being- the parts that only You know and can restore back to your original design.  You knit us, Father, God.  You can excise any thread that is not of your making and renew us with your love.  Let the healing begin, Lord, Jesus. Through and through in continuance in all of our members which are written in your book. In the name of Jesus, amen.  David said; I am afflicted very much: quicken me, O LORD, according to THY word. He says in Psalm 139: 23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts. And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Lord, see if there be any wicked way, work of a talebearer, and lead me in the way everlasting and not to destruction. Lord, SEARCH me and know my heart- the one You know because You possess my reins.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain to it! (Psalm 139:6)  Bless You, Father, and thank You. In the name of Jesus, amen, amen!

Made

In 2002 MTV launched a television program called Made.  The show’s official Facebook page describes it in this way:

Why stand on the sidelines watching others live your dream? Are you too shy or think you're not "cool" enough to get in on the action? Or do you simply lack the self-confidence and motivation? Well, maybe it's time to stand up and get MADE! It goes on to say this: If you want to be MADE? Send us a video telling us why!

For thirteen seasons the show documented the lives of teenagers as they were made into everything from ballet dancers and rappers to BMX bikers and beauty pageant contestants.  They were made under the direction of an expert in that area of interest, a coach.  As much as those teens wanted to be made, the process of reaching their goal was difficult and hard fought many would want to give up and argued vehemently with their coaches.  Some would quit but through the patience and persistence of their coaches partnered with family and friends, a good support system, they went on to reach their goal of being made. 

I watched the show off and on for a few of its thirteen seasons but it wasn’t until recently I correlated the show’s concept with being a Christian.  When you accept Jesus Christ as the Lord and Savior of your life it begins the process of being made.  Instead of being made into a ballet dancer or a BMX biker as a Christian you are being made into Christ. (Philippians 2:5-6) Jesus said in John 14:12 Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth on me, the works that I do shall he do also; and greater works than these shall he do; because I go unto my Father. As you are being made you have an expert coach, too, just as those many teens did. His name is Holy Spirit.  No one can whip a new believer into shape and transform them into a little Christ like Holy Spirit can!  This particular being made process is equally difficult, really, even more so.  (Philippians 1:29, Matthew 5:10, Luke 6:22)   What believers have as coach that those teens didn’t is the Comforter.  <Note to self: Insert worship break here> 

And whosoever doth not bear his cross, and come after me, cannot be my disciple Luke 14:27.  Can’t you just hear your pre-made friends telling you to save yourself and come down from the cross?  You know, the ones who remind you of how much you used to hang out and party.  The friends who either think you’re going through a phase and are waiting for you to fall or the ones who walk away from you because you have made a decision to be made, truly transformed and committed to put on Christ.  Any of those things can be enough to tempt you to give up and turn away from your coach and quit the made process.  Galatians 6:9 And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.

What is being made?  Do you remember when it was popular to wear bracelets with WWJD on them?  Well, instead of asking what would Jesus do ask yourself what did Jesus do. He was baptized by John the Immerser. He was filled with the Holy Ghost.  He was severely tempted by Satan and afterwards ministered to by angels.  Matthew 4:17 From that time Jesus began to preach, and to say, Repent: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand.  He preached repentance and the kingdom of heaven and in the process of doing so his fame went throughout all Syria: and they brought unto him all sick people that were taken with divers diseases and torments, and those which were possessed with devils, and those which were lunatick, and those that had the palsy; and he healed them, Matthew 4:24.  Greater works shall you do also!  Do you need another worship break? Go ahead then and get slain in the spirit.  Tell God how much you love him and are thankful for His mercy.  Hallelujah!

Being made is being in the midst of the battle between the law of the mind and the law of sin.  Paul said it best in Romans 7:18 For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no good thing: for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not.  This coming from a mighty man of God, the constant fight to bring the flesh under submission.  It is also not being conformed to this world: but being transformed (made) by the renewing of the mind.  It is proving what is good, acceptable, perfect, and the will of God.  (Romans 12:2).  Don’t get weary in well doing.  The Comforter is with you. 

You were created in His image and likeness.  Being made is embracing that and operating from the kingdom position you were created for, teaching and preaching the kingdom of God.  In that position you can approach the throne of grace boldly. (Hebrews 4:16)  Being made is your all access pass to Father through Jesus Christ who intercedes on our behalf.  My God! Being made is acknowledging that Jesus died on the cross for your sins and then knowing He intercedes on your behalf!  Okay?  I’m going to die for YOUR SINS and then once I am resurrected and ascended into heaven I am going to be an advocate for you to the Father.  Talk about foolish things to shame the wise!  What an utterly ridiculous concept! In no way does that make logical sense but my spirit is rejoicing because it is so.  Verily, verily I say unto you MADE, written in the book of life of the Lamb!

 Like they said in the show “I want to be made!”

Lessons Learned

I have a habit of being in places and wondering why I am there. Don’t misunderstand me, I know I've been led to those places by the spirit but what's not always immediately apparent is what I am there to learn.  Recently, I went to see a renowned evangelist.  If I named the person most of you would know who it was.  Anyway, I had to go.  I just didn't know why. I expected to hear a good word but what Holy Spirit was going to teach along with it is what I was anticipating. 

 

I have to say once I arrived at the venue the atmosphere was something to behold. Had I been in tune it would have been palpable. (By the spirit I knew I was there to observe)  There was electricity in the air because the people were excited. Their excitement was multiplied seven-fold when the evangelist began to speak.  Honestly, I've never witnessed anything remotely like it.  Anyone would envy, yes envy, to have such feedback from a congregation.  She had their attention from the first word she uttered. Much of the time most of the people were on their feet.  Some were speaking in tongues, one man was running around the building, a women was shaking like an epileptic, the best way I can describe it, and hitting herself repeatedly on the forehead.  It was pandemonium!  All the while I kept wondering if the excitement was for the word of the Lord or for her.  I didn't hear a lot of what she was saying because I was so distracted.  


Interestingly, how Holy Spirit works, what I needed to hear I had no problems hearing. Although I didn't get caught up in the pandemonium, the word that did penetrate the noise had a profound impact.  Somewhere in the midst of all the noise part of a scripture came to me- and when they heard the law they rent their clothes.  The actual scripture is 2Kings 22:11 And it came to pass, when the king had heard the words of the book of the law, that he rent his clothes.  If you skip down to verse 13 the king says: Go ye, enquire of the Lord for me, and for the people, and for all Judah, concerning the words of this book that is found: for great is the wrath of the Lord that is kindled against us, because our fathers have not hearkened unto the words of this book, to do according unto all that which is written concerning us.


  The people were incited and jumping, shouting, and running around the building but no one rent their clothes!  No one was solemn and seeking to ask the Lord how I can tear up this person that I have become; rent my clothes, be renewed and put on Christ.  The evangelist was saying some powerful things but the atmosphere was that of a pep rally and not a call to the glory of God.  What I didn’t observe, however,  was the call to repentance because the kingdom of God is at hand.  That was the lesson I was there for.
   

Recently while having a conversation with a friend on an unrelated subjected, she mentioned to me that the Lord will sometimes show you how not to be.  I’ve often visualized myself speaking to large crowds in the days before I gave my life to Christ.  I wanted to be recognized as someone with something to say– something people would pay to listen to.  Looking back I had absolutely nothing to say outside of life experiences and certainly nothing worth paying for.  I was worldly and could only speak on worldliness. I surely thought that having large crowds in front of me could validate me because I couldn’t validate myself. 
 

What is interesting to me now is since I have given my life to Christ I see, again, myself speaking in front of large crowds.  However, instead of a message of worldliness, I have a kingdom message– the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I don’t need validation because I know who I am in Christ and am beginning to walk in who He has called me to be.  I will know for a fact that wherever I speak the lesson will not be about me and how I might incite a crowd but about Him who sent me and His message of repentance and reconciliation to Father through Him. 

Additionally, Holy Spirit showed me a lot about myself.  (Yes, the lesson continued days later!) He showed me how I was not much different than the people I was observing at the evangelist’s conference.  He showed me that religion was starting to get a foothold in my life.  I had to address whether on Sundays I went to church because I wanted to be there versus I was expected to be there.  He took me back through the past three years of being a church member and showed me instances where I idolized certain church leaders.  He revealed to me how I worshipped the worship rather than relished having an encounter with God.  He pointed out how I can visit another church and then compare their worship to what I was accustomed to.  He showed me how, in those instances, when comparison stepped in it meant that I worshipped the worship I was accustomed to.  

He even took me back to a time years ago when I didn’t appreciate the praise and worship at a women’s conference and Him admonishing me that it didn’t matter what I liked.  They were worshipping Him and I needed to set aside my prideful ways.  Really that’s what it was, pride in the fleshy aspect of church and there was nothing godly in my attitude.

He revealed to me how the flesh can be activated in church and bypass the spirit.  He showed me that a person may think he’s having a spiritual encounter when it has been the flesh that was engaged all along.  The flesh loves a good choir and a good word.  Even how one responds to the presence of God within a congregation can be manufactured.  The times when it is asked to lift up hands to God as opposed to being moved to lift them up by the spirit.  He was showing me the difference between a church experience and an encounter with His holiness.  He showed me how very easy it is for good people to invoke a counterfeit experience.  My God, thank you for teaching and correction. Thank you for caring enough to make sure I learn the hard lessons.  It not easy trying to unlearn what I’ve been learning but, God, you are patient and merciful.  Proverbs 16:18 Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall.  I thank You, Father, for dealing with the pride in me.  How easy was it for me to say look at them when I should have being saying look at me; heal me.  Forgive me.  I repent. Thank you, Jesus for saving grace. Lord, Jesus, in your name I pray. Amen